First Day B

I take pride in my stoic behavior. JK I’m dramatic AF. I am not, however, a crier. I’m one of those people that if there are tears in my eyes: duck and cover because something is about to go up in flames. I did cry today however. It’s the first day of school.

Before you have kids, people warn you about things: you won’t get to sleep after a baby, daycare is expensive, you NEED to date your spouse, it goes fast, you’ll miss the craziness, etc. I don’t think anyone has ever warned me about the first day of school. I’m telling you: WATCH OUT for the first day of school. She’s a cruel biotch.

When your bundle is born, or maybe before, you start making promises. I promise to love you and teach you. I will protect you and feed you. Then you start getting more specific: I promise you’ll live more than/do all the things that I did: we’ll go to parks, the zoo, the ocean, and get our nails painted. We’ll go on an adventure every summer, every week we’ll have a mommy-daughter date, and we’ll try something new to eat once a month. Then your spouse starts adding to the list (I know I’m taking liberties here, maybe you aren’t married, maybe you’re a single parent, etc etc but roll with it). We’ll go to a new state every year, we’ll celebrate solstice, you’ll take lessons! You’ll learn to swim, play soccer, piano, join lego club, 4-H, baseball and art camps. Think of all we can do before the constructs of school enter our lives?!? Think of all we can protect her from. We can monitor what she watches, what she hears, and decide which books to expose her to.

Then that B, First Day of School, shows up. You watch the little babe, who you held in your hands years ago-even though it seems like days ago, carry a backpack that’s far too large with such excitement. She’s chosen the outfit. She knows her teacher’s name. She’s ready. In that morning, all of the promises come flooding back. What have you accomplished from your list? What was missed? What did you deliberately choose to do or not do with your time? All of those things you were protecting her from are in that big building: words, emotions, images, all there waiting for her. Maybe a new little friend will use a word that they heard from a bigger kid. Maybe someone will tell your little girl that they don’t like her dress. Maybe she’ll cry…and you won’t be there.

All of this regret, sadness, guilt and doubt rushes upon you in a crushing wave as you watch your beautiful little miracle bounce away from you carrying her too-big backpack. Did you prepare her? Have you given her the skills she needs to navigate the madness? Is she ready??? She is…even if you’re not. In all this sadness, you also feel pride and love and while the ocean of emotion is rocking you to your core, a bit sneaks out of your eye…and you cry.

Be kind to the other parents out there. They’re watching their babies walk away with oversized backpacks too and do what my girlfriend did for me today. Send a message that lets them know: I get it. I’ve been there. I see what that First Day B did to you, and you’re going to be okay, just like your kids.

What’s that Smell? Oh it’s me.

Relationships can be complicated. I have found that some of the best relationships I have had have been with “the worst” people and some of the worst relationships I have had have been with “the best” people. In that I mean that those that I have held closest at some point: friends, aunts, cousins, my mother, all have disappointed or hurt me. On the flip side, some of the most impactful moments have been from complete strangers: a bit of kindness when I’m about to lose my mind, one of my elementary teachers stopping at the grocery store to help redirect my tantrum-filled child, a woman on a plane offering to change seats so I can sit by my husband on an over-booked flight, etc.

This rings true for me: you behave like those you surround yourself with. If you want to grow and challenge yourself as a person: you need to be with those who will help you grow and challenge yourself. If you want to be encouraging and supportive, it works best if you surround yourself with those kinds of people. The same holds true with negative traits. I recently heard someone say that their grandfather told them something to the effect of: “You can only hang around trash so long, before you start to smell.” It’s true! Choose what you want to smell like: kindness, encouragement, gratitude, hope, and love. This is almost MORE important: figure out what you DON’T want to smell like: bitterness, entitlement, resentment, victim mentality, bullying, and sadness.

I’ve forgiven and moved on from some of my smelly relationships. I came to a point where I realized that their truth and my truth are very different and that’s how I found the strength to forgive and move on. I realized that I will feel how I feel and they will feel how they feel and I cannot change it. I can change how it affects me or if I can’t control how it affects me, I can choose to not be in the smelly relationship. We live through the same situations and sometimes they have painted me as the villain and they are the virtuous victim/hero. Interestingly enough I feel the exact same-but with the roles completely reversed. If you boil it down, who’s right or wrong doesn’t matter. What matters is we can appreciate each other as people, move on, and everyone can be happy. Maybe our lives move on in the same direction: crossing the same path, maybe they don’t, either way is okay. Relationships aren’t finite. They are fluid.

There’s no point in holding a grudge. Sometimes with communication, you can find the crux of the issue and overcome, but sometimes we are so imbedded in our viewpoint, so convinced we are unequivocally right-we can’t even entertain the other side might be holding the flag of truth also. In these cases, instead of trying to sift out opposing viewpoints, I just wish the other party well and move on.

Everyone is placed in our path for a reason: to help build some character, show positive or negative traits to either emulate or avoid in the future, to help through a period of time by support or sometimes distraction, or to teach a lesson.

Finally and this is the hardest step: step away from the people who encourage you to smell the way you don’t want to smell anymore. This is especially hard when society tells us that some relationships trump logic, some people are “above the rules”. I’m here to tell you: no one is above the rules. If a person, or people, bring out the worst in you and are toxic to your life, your family, and the life you are trying to live: set some boundaries and if those boundaries don’t work: it’s okay to excuse them from your life. Did you always dream of big holidays surrounded by family three generations deep? That might not be your reality. Did you always dream of having six BFFs over for game night every Wednesday? That might not happen either. Expectation and reality don’t always mesh…and that’s okay. If life turned out just how we envisioned it at age 7, how boring would that be? Just know that you have a hand in creating your reality and how it smells. First step: decide how you don’t want it to smell.

Happy cleaning!